Dreams of Hapiness

It's January 5th.

And I'm totally freaking out.
This is pretty typical for me.

November and December are spent looking at life through rose colored holiday glasses.
My life is perfect. My kids are beautiful. I am so blessed.
I love you November and December.

And then January comes. I've spent the last week of December contemplating my New Year's resolutions. Should I make New Year's resolutions this year? I have to make New Year's resolutions this year. It goes against everything I believe if I don't at least try to make myself better.

So I open the notepad app on my iPhone and I start making a list.

1. Make a quilt
I haven't made a quilt since I was 10. I've always wanted to make quilts for my girls. This is the year I'm actually going to do it. 

2. Build something
I think I could be really good with a saw. And since we now own one, why not try it out this year. 

3. Improve my Photography
I secretly hope to be a "real" photographer one day. But first, I want to practice more. I'll set up a 52 week photo project, get people involved (to give myself some accountability) and make it happen. I can do this one for sure. 

4. Read the Book of Mormon
5. Decorate my two blank walls
6. Spend a night without my kids
7. Paint our exterior doors
8. Spruce up our gazebo
9. Go camping
10. Visit Southern Utah
11. Host a party
12. Read a book
13. Mommy daughter dates
14. Put my kids in lessons of some sort
15. Redo my childhood dresser
16. Take a writing class
17. Sip lemonade in rocking chairs on the front porch (which also means buy the rocking chairs I've been wanting)

I made the list 5 days ago.
Honestly, its a much smaller list than I had hoped for.

Originally it was much longer. Much, much longer.

The reason I cut it short? My kids.

And no, its not delightful it is to put dreams on hold to wipes dirty bums and mediate fights. It's not always delightful. Sometimes it really sucks.

This week, the baby has cried every second he's been awake. Every second.
He has a bad case of the post-holiday crankies. He's also working on getting some pretty epic molars. He's been really fun this week.

The girls have been fighting over everything. They also have a bad case of the post-holiday crankies and are still adjusting to life outside of Grandma's house where they don't eat Lucky Charms for breakfast and get prizes for changing your bad attitude.

I've cleaned up throw up three times this week and I have a feeling I'll clean up more before the weekend comes.

It's at this very moment that I become bitter.
This motherhood gig is holding me back.
And I don't like to be held back. I don't like it at all.

After a good cry the thought comes to me. 
What are they holding me back from?

My dream of happiness has always been a simple summer night on the back porch. I'm cuddled up next to my husband while we watch the kids play in the backyard in the sunset.
We're happy. We're really truly happy.

We've lived a few of my "dream of happiness" nights before.
I've cuddled on the back porch with my husband. After 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, I love him more than the day we were married. A lot more. I keep waiting for it to peak but it just doesn't. I honestly love him more and more as life passes us by.
We've watched our kids play in our backyard as the sun sets. It is pure joy watching those little kiddos experience the happiness you know they deserve. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

And that's it. Done. There's my New Year's resolution.

Live more happily. Enjoy this sweet life of ours more and more each day.
I'll try to tackle my list but my focus will be living this beautiful life I've been given.

Because these little kiddos might be nightmares this week but they are also the very source of my happiness. They aren't holding me back. They're making my dreams come true.